Unwanted Roommate
I hate to admit but every year I can’t help by replaying the previous year of my life in my head kind of like how Facebook does right before the beginning of each year to remind you how little you did and how many more friends you have lost to the world of marriage and suburbs with some cheesy depressing song playing in my head such as, “It’s the end of the world as we know it,” each year that song plays louder and louder. There are some good moments that flash in like taking a chance and starting my own business that sells athletic wear and gear, but with the good comes the bad. One I can name off the top of my head is getting dumped. The day I was dumped was the day I thought I was getting a proposal or having my parents have a set down conversation with me asking if I was a lesbian and it was okay if I was since now it's 2016 and is totally normal, I think after that conversation I hit the local Taco bell then cheers myself with a glass of wine for surviving that awful talk.
So here I stand back in my apartment at thirty two with a pizza in the oven, egg McMuffin, hash browns and a chocolate shake ready to feel sorry for myself when I hear a pounding at my front door. Who would be pounding on my door I thought? Kate better not of followed me home to discuss about the joys of motherhood. (Pound, pound) “One second I’m coming” As I open the door my shoulders drop and my head rolls back. “Emma! It’s me your aunt Irene!” I’m starting to really think the universe is playing some sick joke on me. “I was just passing through Colorado and thought I would drop by for a quick visit.'
This is what you need to know about Aunt Irene she always introduces herself with it's me, your Aunt Irene as she poses with Jazz hands! Like I didn’t know, second you never know what is true or not because her storytelling is out of control just like her outfits and third her personal boundaries towards others are nonexistent, you know those people, the ones that feel the need to get right in your face as they share a story that no know cares for while telling every detail for everyone in the room to hear, well that would be my Aunt Irene. “Aunt Irene.…what a surprise...you didn’t need to go out of your way to say hi to me!” As I’m saying these words my aunt stands in my doorway drowning her lips with her favorite hot pink lipstick as if she is about to hit the night on the town. “Emma how could I not?? I heard you had a place downtown Denver that was a loft or something? Still never understood what the fuss about loft apartments was and I thought since I’m transitioning onto my next big break in life I could crash here for a couple of days! Three days max? I know your mom said you were lonely and not a lesbian so we both decided that it would be good for you to have a little bit of company!”
Second time today I stand frozen...this time with my jaw wide open looking as if someone told me all the wine in the world had run out. “Aunt Irene I appreciate you coming to say hi and thinking I need company but really, I’m doing great! I’m actually dating again and I’m so busy with my new business I wouldn’t have much time to spend with you, I don’t want you to waste time being here in Denver.” Before I could say much more Aunt Irene, her floral luggage and her big Ass hair start making home, guess Aunt Irene can go deaf on command. While Aunt Irene starts making right at home, a high pitch beeping noise goes off.
(BEEP BEEP BEEP) “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” Aunt Irene shouts as she jumps up and down with her hands flinging everywhere. Shit, I totally forgot about the pizza! God dammit Aunt Irene I think to myself. “I have a pizza in the oven.” I run over towards the oven jumping over the floral luggage to save my tasty frozen pizza when I hear the voice of Aunt Irene chime in, “See doll you need some company if it wasn’t for me your “loft” would have burnt down to pieces.” I began to feel my left eye start to twitch, not only am I hungover, fake preggers, hungry like a girl that just started her period cycle; I now have Aunt Irene thinking she saved my loft apartment. Knowing my Aunt I knew I had lost the battle of her not staying. “Universe I wave the flag today but Aunt Irene is out in three days max!” I mumble under my breath. After Aunt Irene settles in she finally crashes out on the couch then begins to snore like a wild beast as her hot pink lipstick melts down her face. I decide to get the hell out of my apartment to meet up with my best friend Amber for a much-needed lunch and mimosa since now my pizza was toast, “what does it take for a girl to get a meal around here today?” I say in annoyance as I walk out my front door.
ⒸCopyright 2016
