Add it to the list of Adulthood
I wake up here in my bed in my loft apartment downtown Denver Colorado hungover from two glasses of chardonnay and a half a glass of champagne from my Thirty-second birthday. As I peel my head from my pillow my first thought is what the hell? Second I’m getting hangovers off of nothing, what’s next? Is it time to schedule my freezing eggs appointment? Now as I enter my second year of my thirties I have decided I needed to evaluate my life.…well actually what I mean is I’m hung over so I will for now think of evaluating my life and start tomorrow while scheduling freezing my eggs but in the meantime I need to get my ass to the nearest McDonalds to bring my body back to life. After half-assing my appearance I leave my apartment with the night before makeup then I take a step into my 2010 sliver Toyota Tacoma, press my foot on the gas to make my way to the nearest McDonald’s breakfast menu that I knew from top to bottom. As I pull up to the drive-through window lane I witness the longest line of my life! What the?? Maybe this was a sign to get healthy and join a gym. As my hung over barely drank body cries for food I decide to skip the line of waiting and head to the grocery store where I could buy a frozen pizza that I’m sure is way healthy than an egg McMuffin with extra cheese and a side of hash browns top off with a chocolate shake.
I'm suddenly in the frozen pizza aisle feeling proud that I said no to the egg McMuffin, extrax cheese, hash browns and chocolate shake when I hear, “Emma from class of 02???” Suddenly my dying untoned average size body becomes frozen just like my pepperoni pizza that I held in my hand. I stand still hoping this is the one time in my life I might be recovering from hallucinations. “Emma, it’s me! Kate and this is my baby girl Bridget, isn’t she so cute?? I think she gets her looks from her mama, don’t you?!” Kate was the overachiever in everything she did and also looked like Miss America while doing it. Then there's me...I maybe actually take the time to do my hair once a week, wear as little as makeup with the exception of one coat of mascara, T-shirt, and jeans as my signature look. Still standing frozen I hear, “So Emma what’s new with you??” I didn’t know what to say I was ambushed by Kate and her baby, so I say the first thing that comes to my mind, “I’m pregnant I’m going to have one of those.” I find myself saying as I point to Kate’s baby. “WOW, I’m so happy for you! I never thought you would join the happy stage of motherhood! You should totally join our Facebook group of hot moms we get it right, you would totally fit in, I will send you an invite! (Baby throws up) Sorry, my princess just spit we better go and clean this cute face up! Good luck Emma and congrats you’re going to love motherhood!” Just when I think I’m free from this nightmare I hear, “Oh, by the way, be careful on those pregnancy cravings, pizza here and there is okay but remember you want to eat the best for your baby and you don’t want to gain too much extra LB’s! Kate says passive aggressively with a wink.” I look down at my pepperoni box and think to myself.…Mcdonalds here I come while adding do not lie that “I’m preggers” to my list of things to do tomorrow. ⒸCopyright 2016
